So I just set my character, Mirror, up with a LJ account as well. A lot of people on deviantART have been doing that for their characters for a while, so why not Mirror, too? Indeed. If you'd like to further follow her antics on her journal instead of waiting for new installments on the story, add her here!

babyblueindigo.livejournal.com/

She promises to add you back if you chat with her a bit, so leave her a nice little comment welcoming her into the world of LiveJournal!

I've been doing some writing over on http://mistress-moth.deviantart.com
As I've been writing these stories, all I can think of is what character I want to get a doll for first. I've been trying to save up money for an asian ball-jointed doll and I think I've settled on one to be my goal.

Mirror, my main character in the untitled series of stories, will be my first doll. As for choices for molds, I've been looking at Supia Doll Roda as a possibility. I also plan to get Luca in doll form as soon as I can, and for him I'm thinking either a Migidoll Ryu or a Napidoll Serios [rose of solitude].

SO MANY CHOICES! SO LITTLE MONEH!!!!

This entry is special to me. Not because I have any news, but because it's my nineteenth entry, and nineteen is my lucky number :)

Yes, so anyway. Updates GALOOOOOOOOOR!

- I found out that the "new" friends I made while hanging out with shithead like me still. Because I hate him! And they do too!! I was amazed to discover that. Simply thrilling.

- I still go to the 24-hour place all the time to hang out with them. It's nice.

- I went to visit a friend in Kent, OH this past weekend. She had my ex, Scott, my friend, Jessie and myself come out to party with her. I met this kid she likes and two older guys that took us to a party. I might dedicate my next entry to that weekend and tell the whole tale.

- I've been writing still. I think it's keeping me sane. I'm lonely and my characters keep me company.

- I have come to terms with the fact that shithead will never give me my Beirut CD back.

- I'm honestly beginning to feel mixed emotions about my ex. I don't know why I just began the sadness process.

- I just finished the book "New Moon". Must. Buy. "Eclipse".

I'm done for now. I have a very lack-luster life.

Toodles!

So another update.

I got my car back. It had to have the radiator replaced, but now it's back and I'm happy :)

I got a tattoo and had my lip pierced on Friday. Sorry in advance for the poor-quality pics:



Yea, so anyway, I did that. And on Saturday, I went to visit Doves. I took my dog, since I only planned on staying for the day, but I ended up sleeping over there. Poor Taeko, who is my dog by the by, freaked out every time our friend walked in the room. She hates men, so Jake was simply scary to her. Doves and I thought it was funny.

Now, I'm about to go visit my friend at work. She closes at a gas station, meaning she'll be off at eleven. Sucksville...

I just came outside for a cigarette and decided "hey, why not update?"

So my updates are few, really, but big for me.
- My car died. I got it back. It died again.
- He isn't speaking to me anymore.
- I've started hanging out with this girl that I truly despise. Sad how my boredom makes me do anything.
- I've been downloading music for my iPod to blast in my car, but nuuuu! Of course that wouldn't work for me....

Grrr.... I'm just having such a bad month. And if my favourite month can't be good to me, that leaves little hope for the others.
The only good news is that I get extra money on my band paycheck because I jammed with another band, who are friends of my dad, so he was all =D smiley smiley about it. Dunno when that comes, however. Should be this week, perhaps? ::crosses her fucking fingers::

It's getting more and more chilly. I think with part of my check I'll buy a nice sweatshirt or something. Nyes! NYES!!! MUAHAHAHAHA! It's going to be grand. Grand indeed. For now, I must go and purchase $4 of gas so that the car repair shop doesn't charge us an extra $30. Yea, apparently they charge that if you bring them a car with no gas... and since I have no funds for gas...... ~_~

Ah, I found a new habit. I smoke with my left hand because of my driving. It makes me giggle. I really should quit... <_< But why bother. I don't much care about the health concerns since I started breaking down when I was seven or so. And now, I'm just going with the flow. I suppose the only reason I would pass up buying a new pack is for the purpose of using that $5 for gas. Indeed...

Well, I'm quite chilly now, and I can't hear my quiet song out here, so I'm off for now.

Not much to say.

I'm confused. Boys are confusing, and their text messages make matters worse. Especially without an explanation. Damn him.

Pretzel came out to play with us in the living room a few hours ago. He was becoming too hyper and I couldn't keep up with his kitten swiftness, so I put him back under the laundry basket until I go to bed. He's so funny and my mum loves him, no matter what she says. She keeps telling me how much she loves his little feet, and I agree. Fucking cute, he is. My little Kittenbutt.

I think I'm tired, but I'm not sure. I know I'm beginning to get this lack-of-air-in-my-lungs feeling. I wish I could sneak out and have a cigarette. Yes, like that would help.

I don't know. I'm going to end this entry now. There's really not shit to talk about. Not any angst to speak of, and definitely nothing interesting.

Toodles.

I don't know why the fuck I'm still awake.

Four in the morning and I'm too frazzled to call it quits. I'm just surfing the net. I logged on Neopets, for Pete's sake! Shhhhheeeeeeeeeesh!

I have no life, obviously. But! I'm listening to "The Way I Am" by Ingrid Michaelson. Scratch that, now it's "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz. So all is not lost, I suppose.

I talked to him yesterday. Apparently he's been working basically nonstop when he's not at class, meaning to time to spend in the burg. Otherwise, I think he's alright. He didn't talk much and it was through text messages that we spoke, but I assume he's okay. I don't only assume because it's nice to think that, I neeeeeed to think that. I can't stand when my friends are upset, even because of work or being tired.

Speaking of texts, I was supposed to text Ava with plans for... err... later today. I think I should do that. Now. Aaaaany minute now. Yep. Nope.

I'm starting to think I'm too tired to even realize if I'm tired. If that makes any sense...

Oh, another thing. My brakes on my car went bad and my mum and me drove it down to get fixed. I think I get it back tomorrow, but I'm probably going to have to wait for the parentals to get home from teaching before that happens. My dad's paying, even though he's full of shit and probably could care less about me. He hasn't said more than a few small words to me in weeks. No exaggerations there. Anywho, I miss my car. She's an old-ass piece of junk, but she's still my baby! <3 luff for volvo!

I guess I'm going to try and sleep now. It's going to be a feat, but I'll get to dreamworld eventually... no matter how much I don't want to be there.

I woke up this morning to my Clair de Lune ringtone. The one that means a text message. My first thought was "aw man, now Pretzel will wake up."

I got lucky. I looked over at him after I'd finished replying to my text, and he was sound asleep under the laundry basket. There is nothing cuter than seeing a baby such as him, curled up into a tiny fuzzy ball. I did wake him up when I got up, though, and he mewed twice before going back to sleep.

I hung out with my ex-boyfriend yesterday. Not Ryan, Bret. Bret and I have had a very weird, effed up friendship since 4th grade.

We went to meet our friend, Lauren, and her boyfriend. From there, we all went to the 24-hour place and they left around eleven. After that, I went outside to have a cigarette [which turned into two] and talked with Bret. Before we left, Mat [Sammi's brother], Corey, Matt and Tasha showed up. Mat actually smiled and waved to me. I don't know if he was stoned or not, but it was a complete surprise to me. Despite the fact that he and I always got along a bit better than he did with Sam's other friends, he basically ignored me and that was fine and dandy. Now, he's being downright friendly and it's fucking with my head really badly. I don't know if I want to be afraid of the whole situation or if I should just embrace it and start being friends with him as well.

I should go get Pretzel and bring him downstairs to play, but I'm really not in the mood to fight with the little kittenbutt. Whatever.

AHHHH MAHHH GAHHHHD!

I got a kitten today. We were driving down the road on our way back to town [Ava and I, I mean], and suddenly Ava screamed "free kittens!!!" and slammed on the breaks. We turned around and went back, lo-and-behold the woman had three left. I took on, Ava took another. He's curled up on my stomach right now.

Rocket, my other cat, doesn't like him. He's trying to be a bruiser about it and hissing like he'd beat up Babyface. No freaking way.

Lea, another of my cats, likes the baby very much. He's the only one that doesn't attack her, so... yea.

Sammi's coming down to stay with me tomorrow. We're going to my old highschool's rival game and that should be fun. Then I'm going up to Michigan with her. Maybe... I need gas before I can do that. Yes...

I don't have a point to my entry now. Just an update, really.

Ta.

P.S. OH! Here's a picture of Babyface. His name is Gadiel.     He's the kitten on the right. Ava's is the one on the left. Her name is Raja.

I was in a strange mood today. I have my usual headache, but otherwise I'm very happy and rather perky.

I went driving to find my old bus around 3. My friend still rides and I was hoping to catch her. I got sidetracked, however, by someone calling my name. I looked over when I stopped at the stop sign to see Ava and Jordan waving at me from his yard. I parked in his pear-covered yard and watched for a bit while they played football and made out in front of me. Ava has a way of doing that, even though she says she hates feeling guilty about it. I just laugh. Anyway, that took a bit of time.

I can hardly focus on writing. My head is throbbing and I'm tired as all else.

Long story short. Caught up with Ava a bit and she informed me of a few things. I was a bit surprised. And I went to her work at 10, hung out with her friend Jenn and JonJon, and then Jon left and Jenn continued being decent. She's never been fond of me, but now she's downright fun to hang out with! And now I'm going to go to bed. That's all I can think of that could help me right now.

I know it's been a while since I posted. I was at the welcome home party that Doves held for our friend Jessica.

I went up to Michigan on Saturday. I had to drive half an hour south to pick up a friend and then JonJon, the friend and I made the hour and a half trip back north to Sammikin's house. It was fun once we got there. Jessica was very glad to see JonJon and me, and she welcomed Jessie, my friend, with open arms and her usual sunny demeanor. She's a little weird, though, so Jessie didn't quite know what to think.

I was glad to get back home, though. It was uncomfortable for me because everyone up there cheats on their "better half". Sammi's ex, Kyle, hit on me once his girlfriend had left, as did our friend, Jimmy, once his girlfriend was gone. I was getting annoyed very quickly. The only good part about going to parties up there is that it's always good to see those goons. They may be immoral, but they're better friends to me than most of the people in my town.

I hadn't spoken to him in a few days. He texted me yesterday saying he was having a bad week, and today he called to say hello before his class. He sounded so exausted and admitted to not sleeping well. He's been working a lot, and I figure he's just not sleeping at all. We're hanging out tonight, so maybe I can talk him into chilling out and just resting. I know how he works and he always says he "doesn't want to miss anything." He can miss a few hours, though.

More later.

Today sucked. It was a strangely nice change from the last week of great days. I wasn't used to being so happy so constantly.

Anyway, I woke up from a very sleepless night to the bright sun in my eyes. It hurt so I hid beneath my blanket for another hour or so. Finally, I got up, took a shower and sliced my leg open. I hung out with him, of course, but I think I teased him too much and he went back to class. Oops ^ ^;

I had promised to go to this thing in town, so I met a friend down there. I started getting one of my usual headaches, but it was coming on slower than normal so I stayed out instead of going home. I ate a pretzel with garlic butter, cinnamon sugar, parmesan cheese and nacho cheese. After a little while longer, I took my friend home and ran to a new store that's coming in. Halloween USA. I need a job, so I applied.

Now I'm suffering like no other. My head throbs and my sinuses are fucked up. I think the fact that the headache came slower meant that it would be a hell of a lot stronger. I can't even stand without having to pause a moment. I'm so dizzy and I'm very shaky. I really need to get an appointment for all of my health issues, but I don't want to. It's dumb of me, but I never claim to be smart.

Anyway, that's my shortened update. I'm going to bed.

Yep. Life is still good, despite what happened today.

I was hanging out with him, again. He called and asked if I could. My mother had come home wanting to go to Sonic, which just opened in our town, so I had time to spare before my dad came home. We were waiting on him. Anyway, as we sat in my yard, he started talking to me about how he didn't believe in relationships and how he didn't know how long what we're doing would last. I don't really care. I am quite honestly done with tangible relationships as well. It's ridiculous, when you think about it that is. Having one person to worry about. Trying to make them happy even if it means you can't do what makes you... well... you!

Anyway, we did end up going to Sonic. The line was so long that we [the customers] bubbled over into a nearby store's parking lot. An hour and a half later and I discovered just why Sonic's shakes are so loved. It was delicious!

After I ate my dinner, he called again and we went to the 24-hour place. Coffee! Yay. We sat outside and talked about some funny shit. I pointed to the moon and the "star" next to it and said "that's Jupiter, there." And after that was said, random observations ensued. A skunk lives in the drain pipe by the highway and it kept sneaking around over there. Our waitress came outside and brought us a refill on coffee. She even brought us the creamer for it! Love love LOOOOVE her! Haha.

A few others joined us after a while. One of the newcomers was Doves' brother, Mat. I went semi-ape shit. This kid sitting next to me asked why I was kind of freaking out and I told him I was friends with Mat's sister. He just nodded. He understood. Older brothers never really care to get along with their sisters' friends. Ever. But Mat came up, said hello and was quite decent to me. Then Stupid [as I've dubbed Tim] took me home. He'd asked my mother what time to have me home and she chopped off a freaking hour from when I normally come back. Damn it all.

He walked me to the door, as he always does. It's nice, regardless of whether it's just for fun or not. I feel comfortable with just having someone, even if it's a "fling", as some would put it. I really do like him, but I am more than happy to leave it as something fun. It means we have a mutual understanding that it will, eventually, come to an end and we can do whatever the fuck we want. He says he'll be my guinea pig if I want him to be, and I suppose my part of the trade is just being amusing and such. We have nice talks, and I think he likes that a lot.

Anyway, all is well.

I just felt like talking about the end of my day.

I went for a drive, but gas money is hard for me to come by so I settled at the 24-hour place we hang out at all the time. I called JonJon and asked him to join me for coffee. Our friend, CJ, works there and she was very excited to see us. She got us our coffee and provided us amusement.

We talked, Jon and I, about what's been happening. He was trying to get me to understand where Ava's coming from, but the issue there is that I do understand. I know she worries, and I get that she and I are different when it comes to how far we'll take the reaction we have. She will push and push and go all-out, I stay respectful and shut up after they assure me that they're alright. That's the problem I'm having with her. She doesn't do that, and she's mad that I won't simply give up and start doing as she says.

Jon is still being awkward. He's too quiet around me now, and it's making it almost unbearably uncomfortable to simply be alone with him. I was glad that CJ was serving us. She provided that conversation I needed.

Tim called to check in and say hi. I was so happy when my phone went off. It was loud in the restaurant, so I went outside to talk to him. When I came back, Jon wasn't any better. If anything, he seemed even more distant now that he knew it was Tim I had been talking to. It made me very upset, but I choked back everything I was thinking. I didn't want to upset him, too.

Tim, apparently, hasn't finished his paper. Damned procrastinator. He works tomorrow between classes, and the next day too, but he promised to at least call. Thursday, he said, seems more promising.

Jon wants to hang out with me tomorrow. Alone. Again, how damned uncomfortable. I tried to get him to make Ava join us so we could all talk at the same time. She already knows what's bugging him, but he seemed to want to speak to me alone, which really worries me. If it's because he wants my reaction to get no further than him, I can only imagine what his news will be...

It's thundering outside. That means it's time for me to go to bed. When I hear thunder or rain [most commonly thunder], I tend to start falling asleep. I love the sound. Such a lulling feeling. Such a nice, calming sensation. So off to bed with this little jerk.

More tomorrow, as always.

Everything is so crazy.

The last time I talked to Tim was last night. That's fine and dandy, he had a paper the he had to write. I'm just bored and spent most of the day smoking cigarettes that remind me of him and wondering if he would be free at all. I didn't want to bother him by texting or calling, so I just waited. Hoped and waited.

I finally got fed up after a while. The day was disappearing quickly and I wasn't about to let it slip. I texted Ava and asked if she wanted to hang out. She said she was running errands and would text me later. I waited, and waited, and waited. Finally, nearly four hours later, I texted her again and asked if she wanted to do anything at all today. Her answer spoke for itself. "Idk" I don't know? I don't know. Well, alright, if she doesn't know whether or not she wants to blow me off, she in truth made the decision right then. I'm not going to fret about constantly making the effort to spend time with her when all I get is a very indifferent reply [if that] after one little argument [which was because of her being a complete spazz, not something I did that merits any of this shit]. It just upsets me that, when I ask to hang out with her, she finds ways to duck out. If I don't hang out with her when she wants me to, she considers it the fault of Tim or Sam or the other friends I have that are "bad influences" on me.

I have a new favourite word. "Specificity." If you look at the root word, you can figure out it's definition. It's just damned cool to say.

I'm going to go out for a drive and have a cigarette now. My headache is back, and that seems to help it a bit. I need to remember to take a jacket with me. The past few days have left me feeling cold at night, so I can only figure the pattern continues today. It's chilly anyway, since a cold front is coming by. Ick, no rain and just cold. That sucks.

I'm getting very confused with all of this. I am being told multiple things now, and I'm getting stronger headaches. A reaction, I think, to the stress my friends are causing for me.

Yesterday was the Black Swamp Festival. It's this shindig in my area that has to do with the arts. A lady did a henna tattoo for me, but it's not as dark and strong in details as I had hoped it would be. It's alright. Anywho, I went to that festival with my mother, but eventually became bored by her constant stop-start walking patterns near the booths. I tore away from her side and went to sit near the diner that I'd eaten at the night of the party. I called Sammi, my friend Erin and finally Jon. Jon came to hang out with me and we wandered around in a store that I really like. He seemed extra quiet for him, but he didn't seem to be too bothered by anything, so I ignored it as best I could and told myself all was well. My mother called me and said she wanted me back home by 8:00, so Jon took me home.

When we got to my house, he finally spurted some words that tied things together for me. He asked me not to forget them ["them" meaning Ava and him] now that my "new" friends were in the picture. I laughed, though I probably shouldn't have. I could see the worry in his eyes when I did. I told him that, even if I was hanging out with the "new" guys [Tim, in particular] more this week, it's because finally someone other than Ava and JonJon wanted to hang out with me. I've always worked on a first-come-first-served plan regarding my time. When Tim and the others wanted to hang out with me and I hadn't heard anything from Jon or Ava, naturally I went with them. If the two weren't working all the time, I would space it out better, but they are working constantly, so I spend my time with Tim. He has six-hour breaks between classes, so I usually see him during that time.

I do feel really bad about the whole thing. I realized days ago that I was drifting a bit far into the deep end when I would text Jon and not really want to hang out. I was sick for three days, in my defense, but after that I just wasn't socially motivated really. The extent of my "hanging out" with anyone was having a cigarette and listening to the crew at the 24-hour place in town. I hardly spoke to anyone, and when I did my words were brief. The fact that it worried Jon about me drifting from them and "forgetting" about them was ludacrous, however, and I wanted him to know that. I really should not have laughed when I heard those words and saw the look in his eyes. I felt like shit.

The confusing part about what I'm being told is this. Tim says that I need to be a bitch to people sometimes. It's good for girls to do that, he told me. That, if I'm nice all the time, I could simply get stomped on. I understand that, and I can be really brutal if need be, but I'm usually easy-going. However, he tells me I need to be nice. If I start getting upset about my friends, he shushes me and says "remember to be nice." Other times, in the same situations, he says that it's time to be bitchy. My head is throbbing just thinking about trying to discern the perfect time for each. It's downright bloody painful.

More later, I suppose. Shawn of the Dead comes on in an hour, so I'm going to catch a nap before then.

Another interesting night and more complications to follow in its wake.

I left my house yesterday night without the intention to return home until this morning. I didn't want to deal with my dad, who was bitching about how he came home from two jobs to find the floors dirty. Heaven forbid I was gone all day and didn't notice the pile of cat fur in the corner. When he finally went to do it himself, he couldn't even find the vacuum. None of us could. Poof!

So I left to hang out with Tim, and he asked me what we wanted to do. Either he could show me his apartment like we'd planned earlier in the day [though it was very late now] or we could go to a party in a nearby town that his friend was having. I left it up to him and soon we were on our way to the party.

We arrived and my eyes were met with instant disappointment. His ex [and one of my friends] was there. I smiled at her when I walked in behind him, but her eyes wandered between him and me knowingly. There were a few others there that I knew pretty well from school. Two of the boys were good friends of mine through Sam's brother.

The party was a blast. I was pretty much finished with my second drink when I got a phonecall. Ava. She started talking to me about how she doesn't want me hanging out with Tim and how she was coming to bring me home. How I don't have the self-control to stop drinking and that, when I finally became intoxicated, I would let something horrible happen to myself. No matter how much I assured her that I was among friends, she wouldn't listen to me. Finally, I became hasty and told her [perhaps too loudly] that I could not be babied. I'm old enough to make my own decisions, as is she, and I never ever tell her she shouldn't hang out with someone just because I don't like them. She was desparately trying to find out where the party was so she could drive to get me. I would never forcibly make her leave somewhere that she was comfortable in.

She proceeded to tell me that, because of her fears, she'd searched through Tim's myspace and facebook page, as well as his friend's [the one holding the party]. I was pissed instantly. It felt like I was being betrayed and I wasn't going to stand for it. She ended up hanging up the phone and calling Sam, who called me and basically backed up my opinion of the people I was with. I love that girl!

After a few more drinks, I was pretty trashed, but hungry as hell. Six of us [Corey, Josh, Daniel, Pat, Tim and myself] went to a nearby diner thinger. Fries never tasted so good! We walked back, Tim and I left, and we stayed at his apartment, sleeping for four hours. He had to work, so he dropped me off and here I stand. Well... sit.

I had an absurd wake up call today. I opened my eyes, and mere seconds later I heard the sound of my phone. The sound of a text message. I opened it and smiled. "Are you up and about?" I answered that I could be in a few minutes and sure enough, a couple minutes later I was sitting in the car on the way to who knows where with Tim.

He smiled at me for a second and I asked what he was looking at. He ran his forefinger down my bottom lip and said that he just wanted to come and see his favourite girl this morning before class. I couldn't help but laugh at that. He also informed me on the way home that he was thinking about getting a haircut this morning, but decided it'd be more enjoyable to spend the two hours with me instead. I laughed again.

After his class, we're going to hang out again. Probably sleep. Neither of us slept well, me beating him with two hours of rest. I don't think he's going to make it until 5:00.

My mother is sick today. She stayed home with what she describes as a very bad cold. I hope I don't end up catching it. I don't want to be that miserable!

Jon is acting strange still. I talked to my friend, Christina, yesterday. She's convinced that he has a thing for me, and she isn't alone there. Ava, Jenn [one of Ava's friends] and I are all beginning to think that. He doesn't talk to many of us about stuff, and in a bulletin yesterday he wrote a reply to "What's on your mind right now?" His response was "A secret I've been keeping..." I mean, yes, that could be anything, but he's not acting in a way that could dispel such suspicion. It's hurting my head. If this is the case, he's like my big brother. I'm not at all interested in him other that a very good friend. Unfortunately, my own suspicions are making it uncomfortable for me. When he hugs me, all I want to do is pull away and yet I don't want to hurt him. When he asks for my company, all I want to say is no. When he says he doesn't like Tim, I always get this wrenching feeling in my stomach. It hurts to not know, but I'm afraid that if I did know it would hurt him. I wonder if I'm even making sense...

Augh, I don't want to wait until 5:00. Tim and I always say that. "I don't want to wait until..." It's still so funny to me. He and I have so much in common. I just got him to listen to the band, Beirut, and he loves them. He stole my CD to burn haha. He's supposed to burn me a bunch of CDs, so it's the least I could do. On top of that, he's equally sweet and a jerk. He flip-flops, and that's what I do too. We can both be absolutely friendly to people, or we can make fun of them behind their backs. We share the same friends [which made for an interesting night yesterday].

We went to the 24-hour place I talked about before, and low-and-behold our friends Corey, Matt and Shannon [who I've not met before] were sitting outside. We joined them on the sidewalk, and Corey was saying that he was so tired. If I didn't understand exactly what he meant, I would have mistaken him for high. Anyway, eventually Corey stood up and walked to the parking lot. We watched him and discovered that what he'd found was a huge praying mantis. It was so funny to me that, for as tired and lethargic as he was, he spontaneously found an endangered species sitting in a very uncharacteristic place! Sad part was, as we were plotting to catch it, we saw Corey back up. A semi truck had run over the poor thing right in front of us. The boys went to play hacky sack while Shannon and I moped about how tired we were and the poor mantis.

Three hours to go and I feel like I'm suffering. If this is what my dear friend felt with that boy, I cry for her. I sympathize with her. This suuuucks! OTL